Today I received the kind of email/application/CV that arrives in my inbox from time to time. The type from so called submissive guys convinced I’ve gone through the considerable expense of professional hypnosis training to be the best hypnotist that I can possibly be, just for my own sexual kicks.
I’ve cut and pasted what he had to say, without, of course, anything that identifies him. No one deserves to be outed for being a self-serving delusionist. I’m going to comment on each of his generous offers one by one.
1] All forms of body worship from your divine feet upwards to wherever you require.
My Thoughts: You don’t say! I can see myself spending all day sprawled across luxury cushions while he wears his hypnotized tongue out to prove how well I have hypnotized him, right? This kind of stuff happens in the movies, comics, one’s imagination and short stories written by, erm, other men, typically. It’s always the first thing they imagine a hypnotist may do. Or a dominatrix. Perhaps an insatiable nymphomaniac would drool at this offer. Not me. I’d probably be lying there, legs wide open, running spread-sheet formulas through my mind and wondering why, oh why, some men drown the surrounding beddings with saliva during cunnilingus.
2] All oral services whether massaging your clit and pussy to orgasm with my tongue or rimming for your pleasure or any other use of my tongue you may require.
My Thoughts: At this point I should have progressed from drooling to swooning. And we women complain that men are pigs in bed? What a generalisation. Well, the fact of the matter is that I have my sexual needs taken care of adequately, and then some. Funny how men always assume that oral sex is the way to make a woman’s knees buckle. The only response to such an offer is to roll my eyes heaven-wards. He goes on to say:
3] My pussy arse is available for your pleasure with a strap-on. I have not been opened up for long and so still have limited capacity.
My Thoughts: Pussy arse? Well, at least he’s helped me with my linguistic dilemma of what to call a man’s butt after feminising him! I shall use that phrase in future, thank you very much.
But once again, a man dictating/suggesting to me that it must be pleasurable for me to stick anything up his rectal orifice. My pleasure has never, and will never, involve inserting anything up anyone’s butt hole. To try and convince me that I am getting anything out of it, and should be grateful, is laughable. My g-spot isn’t buried up his arse (sometimes, I’m as clueless as the men trying to figure out where it’s buried, but that’s another blog). So why should I get anything out of screwing it? Besides, there wouldn’t be enough antiseptic wet wipes to disinfect my pocket watch afterwards.
4] Toilet duties as required. I am fully trained as the ladies toilet to be used directly with full cleaning services afterwards.
My Thoughts: Again, where is the pleasure in that? I want to get out of any toilet I’m in as soon as possible after commiting my personal offences against the environment there. And I want to clean myself properly, you know, with good old fashioned Andrex luxury quilted toilet paper, with a Kandoo wipe for that extra feel good factor. Am I the only one that feels queazy at the thought of positioning myself in order to feel a tongue “cleaning me out”? I can imagine the panic and revulsion if his tongue went from back passage to front passage in the process, exposing me to the risk of infections from the bacteria sensible women go to great lengths to ensure do not cross borders. (Yes, I’m uptight, but I wouldn’t have it any other way).
These submissive guys always trumpet their toilet duties as if the’ve saved the best till last. If people have a mutual taste (pun intended) for such activity, then why haven’t they figured out a less offensive way to attract each other? I don’t need that kind of vulgarity in my inbox. Each to their own, but do keep it to yourself. Or accept that you won’t even get an acknowledgement of the email from me. Like this guy did not.
And this is what subs do best. They dictate to the so-called domina what will give her pleasure. They don’t ask. They insist, presume, assume. Probably the earliest manifestation of topping from the bottom, where the submissive male is actually a mysoginist that enjoys playing on the intelligence of the domme and getting her to do his bidding – but pretending it’s all for her. It’s like the man that gives his girlfriend a power drill set for Christmas. Who is the present really for?
But maybe this is really what he thinks a dominant woman wants, and he never imagined how pointless all his offers are to me. Why offer all this to a total stranger about whom you know nothing? If we’d bumped into each other on a scat fetish forum, then it would make sense that he was offering me his toilet duty skills.
Now maybe, well, actually, definitely, this man would have got my attention if he’d been offering what any lady really wants. To be pampered and spoilt with wining and dining at top restaurants. Lots and lots of tangible gifts: Jimmy Choos; diamond rings, week-end spa breaks, and first class travel to exotic locations topping up my vitamin D with the sun-shine and showing off my bikinis although I know I can’t swim . This guy didn’t even offer to spoil me with boxes of chocolate. And how about deal breaker - a standing order straight to my bank account every month?
True selfless service is giving, even when it hurts. Not passing your fantasies off through the trojan horse of suggesion as the desires of another person. This might work on someone weak-willed. I should be insulted that he even tried to pull this one on me. This is erotic narcissism at its best (the sub, I mean, not me, for a change!).
Cleopatra, London Queen of Erotic Hypnosis
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