I, and the Foot Fetish Hypnosis community, suffered a calamity yesterday as I was preparing to leave Los Angeles. An almost irreparable loss in the shape of a chipped toe nail.
Now, this is not just any toe nail. Oh no. This is the nail of the big toe on my right foot. And not just any old big toe nail on any old right foot. This was a specially adorned toe-nail, one of a set of ten, encrusted with a spiral of crystal like diamonds on a deep wine coloured gel background on the waiting to be kissed feet of an erotic hypnotist. Designed to mesmerise and a wonderful conversational hypnosis ice-breaker. I showed them off at Brian David Phillip’s Walkabout Trance and Erotic Hypnosis Weekend at Redondo Beach, Los Angeles last weekend.
So, fast forward a couple of days later, and how did this erotic calamity happen? I was preparing for my flight to Dallas, the next leg of my one to one erotic hypnosis tour. I have a gizmo for weighing my suitcases to ensure I am within the pitiful 23 kg weight allowance permitted per suitcase when flying. For some reason, I am always at least four kg over the limit at check-in. Per suitcase. So I bought this as a solution.
Sadly, the gizmo does not promise to do the actual packing. How can any airline with a heart expect anyone to pack three laptops, audio recording equipment, pvc outfits, a swim suit (although I cannot swim, I look hot pretending I’m about to dive in), wigs, English marmalade, a pair of scissors, a 20 foot long LAN cable (for those retarded hotels that think WI-FI in guest rooms is a luxury), a Nova Pro 100 Light Sound Mind Machine kit with head phones and microphone, one pocket watch, one large hypnotic crystal, two anatomically correct male and female dolls for voodoo erotic hypnosis, a camcorder, a tripod, panties, bras (very big bras), more panties (okay, yes, big panties – you just have to love a woman that admits to owning big panties), one paper back book on Power Persuasion and another, hard back book, on how to split the human mind into two, then proceed to fuck about with the poor dumb-struck soul (okay, that last bit was my take on what to do next after splitting the right brain from the left brain), a pair of denim hot pants (also big, butt guys agree here that size never matters once I have them on), make-up I never remember nor have the time to use (neither does it matter once you are hypnotised, and I always aim to hypnotise you as quickly as possible so I can get on to the fun parts – although an unhurried induction is as good as unhurried foreplay, yes?), one set of nipple clamps (much to small for my extra large nipples ((they do say that everything is big in Texas but things seem bigger since I landed)) , but to test the pain threshold, or lack thereof, of hypnotised subjects for anaesthesia ( that is what I would have told US customs if I’d been stopped at the border, anyway), a packet of custard creams, three dozen condoms, in as many sizes and flavours (a female hypnotist can live in hope, yes?), a 100 ml bottle of lube (a little goes a long, long way, yes?) and a one foot long usb to firewire cable – all within a meagre allowance of 23 kg? And that is just one suitcase out of my allowance of two. Can you even begin to imagine what I packed in the second suitcase?
So, you can see how part of my logistics and careful planning is to be able to weigh my luggage in advance to avoid the trauma and humiliation of having to open it up with the above contents within full glare of hundreds of strangers waiting impatiently on the check-in queue behind me, while I try to figure out, in retrospect, what should be left behind.
It goes without saying that lifting the suitcases to weigh them with my gizmo is quite an effort that requires two hands and the correct posture. And it was during this weight-lifting effort, while attempting to determine the weight of one of the suitcases, that the upwards motion of lifting it up off the ground, had the undesired effect of taking the tip of my toe nail with it. I practically heard the crystals flying around the room, drowned out only by my howls of anguish.
My expression of grief was not just for the pain associated with swiftly removing a toe nail without an anaesthetic. It was more for the foot fetishists that these nails had been lovingly designed to seduce. Men with a foot fetish have been enslaved by much less. So, coupling the effects of the glistening stones on my toe nails, along with the sound of my voice and my words, the unsuspecting were meant to be dropping at my feet to worship them, no less.
So now, in between sessions in Dallas or Houston, I shall be on the look out for a manicurist who is at least half as gifted as my regular manicurist in Purley Way, Croydon and see if she can repair my toe-nail. And make it seem as if I’ve never lifted a suitcase in my life.
Frankly, if I were as clairvoyant as I am hypnotic, I would have anticipated the false economy of a damaged pedicure and opted to pay the excess baggage at the airport instead!